Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
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Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.