Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…

Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!

Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven

*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*

the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs

Music Royalty Succession Chart

Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”

After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.

Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.

The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character

Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.

Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone

When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

The princess and the pea

But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.

Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.

Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.

5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.

Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup

Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?

I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.