Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
You Might Also Like
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Sir!!
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok