sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
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Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12