Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them

Husband:

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe

Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements

Florist: we don’t

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords

Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.

I like my women like I like my bugs…

In my bed 😬

no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside

Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.

Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.

We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining

Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor

Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

Broom by every window for quick escape.

Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.

Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.

you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”

People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.

I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤

~Conversations I have with my couch

I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”