sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
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[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Kids, do not try this at home!
I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.