Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
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her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them