Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.

sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.

Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.

Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

[high school]

Teacher: do u have your homework?

Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3

Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore

PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS

My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.

My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same

Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

when there are deer in the woods

Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*

Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.

Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”

*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*

Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”

Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”

My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.

Snots fired.

Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME

I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.

Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.

HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.

… Nailed it!

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*

Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER

Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?