Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
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My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go