@MakesYouGiggle

Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.

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@JuliaChildCIA

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

@causticbob

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

@Cheeseboy22

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

@heatherlou_

*slips seductively out of shorts*

You know what that means…

*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*

*drools a little*

@humanaaron

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

@BringDaNoyz

Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style

@bust2nut

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

@ThugRaccoons

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

@internetluke

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.