Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
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Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Bill is short for Billiam
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.