Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.

You Might Also Like


My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*


Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…


[parking garage]

FBI: got the file?

Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]

FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing


So my wife doesn’t like the new body wash she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like kiwi apricot for the next four weeks.


ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
? O
? ? ? O
?? ?? o
????? o
???? ?
??? ?
??? .


I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.


roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do


Me: Well boys as one door closes another one opens

Submarine crew: *screaming*


(boom boom clap)
(boom boom clap)
Daisy you’re a dog you’re a good dog
Playing in the park
Gonna eat some cool bugs today