@MakesYouGiggle

Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.

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@HoldinCoffeeld

My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

@NewDadNotes

[parking garage]

FBI: got the file?

Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]

FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing

@IndecisiveJones

So my wife doesn’t like the new body wash she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like kiwi apricot for the next four weeks.

@dave_cactus

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
? O
? ? ? O
?? ?? o
?????o
????? o
?????o
???? ?
??? ?
???.
???.
??? .
????.
.

@mactx85

I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.

@hell_doe

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

@sonictyrant

Me: Well boys as one door closes another one opens

Submarine crew: *screaming*

@_mindflakes

(boom boom clap)
(boom boom clap)
Daisy you’re a dog you’re a good dog
Playing in the park
Gonna eat some cool bugs today