Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
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Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit