Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.

friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally

[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut

“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.

I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.

Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.

{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.

Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!

Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…

Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”

Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”

You need to slow your roll there survey.

Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”

Me: *looks up from phone*

“What?”

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.

Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”

Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.

Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”

pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest

me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x

pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here

me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands

I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.