Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
You Might Also Like
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
what’s really going on
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.