Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
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Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.