Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
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do mermaids get waxed or descaled
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
