Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
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This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.