Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
