Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
satan: not today, microsoft teams
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
My dream job is getting paid to dream
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
