Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
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It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant