Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.

genie: and for your third wish?

me: that you fall in love with me

[later]

me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list

The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.

My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.

Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture

I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.

Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage

Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.

Your honor my client doesn’t like jail

Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.

Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.

ME: *traps a spider under a glass*

ROOMMATE: Now what?

ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.

I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫

#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”