@mack44_d

Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.

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@jay_as_hell

choose one to drop:
1. acid
2. bass
3. out of college
4. the assault charges
5. that thun thun thun

@lovstructionist

Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.

@swiftenhaal

Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.

@KentWGraham

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

@Reverend_Scott

REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?

ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes

[a 31st dog walks by]

ME: oh no

@Average_Dad1

Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting

@1followernodad

Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.

@maughammom

Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

@Contwixt

Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.

@sammyrhodes

S is my favorite letter because it changes biscuit to biscuits.