Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always…

The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?

I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.

You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children

I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.

[quietly opens a beer]

Funeral Director: seriously?!

Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]

My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?

Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*

Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.

Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.

I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.

[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming

S/o to @funTweeters .

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

My kids: what are we having for…

ME: LEFTOVERS

When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.

has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?

When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.

Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”

Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.

got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience

Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish

The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother