Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
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Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”