Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?

Show your work.

My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.

To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.

My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt

Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.

My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day

My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.

I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

Fun like a LinkedIn notification

This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.

A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.

Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer:

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.

If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now