sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
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keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton