@urmumsausername

sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet

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@vexroid

Found $0.83 under my pillow.

It appears that I still have all of my teeth so now I’m a little worried about what I was paid for.

@ShakespearePop

I just made your acquaintance, and this is preposterous, but here is my address, perhaps thou shall mail me maybe.

@mewritesgood

You say “potato”, I say “This isn’t working. I think we are unhealthy together and you scare the shit out of me. Keep the cat. He hates me.”

@SamGrittner

Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.

@BeTheCookie

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.

@longwall26

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

@SweetTweetsBRO

I love when I’m walking closely behind a girl and she starts to speed walk away. It’s like she knew I wanted to race all along.

@MaverickGames

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.

@Melecevida

As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.

@theDanLawler

A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.