sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
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I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
every college guy’s fridge
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*