Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
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Nice try Hitler
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Many hands make light work
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
i think both sides are to blame here
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy