Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
You Might Also Like
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
in the 9th grade, everyone dressed up as a hero, but i didn’t. a guy i liked asked me what I was dressed as, and i said i’m dressed as your girlfriend. he skipped the next 2 days
i just want to say sorry you failed your algebra test brad but i’m still dressed as your girlfriend
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.