Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
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I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Being a parent:
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….
Hahahahahahahaah.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Seems kinda suspicious
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching