Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.

I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.

Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.

Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…

My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.

[family thanksgiving in 2020]

HER: hey the turkey is still frozen

ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in

Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩

Coworker: …

Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”

A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.

Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?

Me:

W:

M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!

[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own

You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.

interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?

me: my ex’s heart

interviewer:

me:

interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!

You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands

husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school

15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home

@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾

Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.

A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.

Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”

New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

“Can I have $20?”

-how teenagers say hello

I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.