Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
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Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift