Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me

cop: you’re free to go

me: but

cop: go on now

me: please

cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE

me: *runs into the forest*

cop: :'(

I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.

They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.

Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?

Don’t touch my fries.

They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.

It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.

“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”

Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.

“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.

Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.

Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.

I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?

I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”

I miss this era type of pranks😭

WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.