Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
You Might Also Like
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”