Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.

My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it

Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?

Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?

No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.

officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football

detective: for crying out loud!

officer: most likely yes

In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder

So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..

Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”

my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me

My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

ME: Who’s a good boy?

MY DOG: What have you heard?

OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.

SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR

I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?

I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.

i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.

A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake