Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
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I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.