Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
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Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
🙋♀️
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Good news
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday