Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.

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“Oh great. Another puppy.” – Sarah McLachlan’s friends at Christmas


11yo son just walked by.

If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.


I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze


I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.


I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.


Girl in front of me on the bus just sent a text that was like a novel and the response was like a word and now even I’m pissed off about it.


PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?

ME: There is no way

PAL: Why?

ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people


“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”

– Worst ER doc