“Oh great. Another puppy.” – Sarah McLachlan’s friends at Christmas
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
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11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Girl in front of me on the bus just sent a text that was like a novel and the response was like a word and now even I’m pissed off about it.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Someone greased my downward spiral.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc