Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.

Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.

[first date]

Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?

Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*

Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.

I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids

Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.

Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?

ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.

Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.

ALLISON: I agr-

ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!

ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today

WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!

ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it

Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.

Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.