@msdanifernandez: Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
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@errdayhustlah: According to my neighbor's rooster, it's 5am now. Also according to my neighbor's rooster, we're having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
@jamiesont: Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
@WookieOnUnicorn: How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
@Rollinintheseat: I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.