Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
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I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
i prefer mine room temperature.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.