@msdanifernandez

Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope

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@PhilJamesson

when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold

@LoveNLunchmeat

Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.

@JessG828

Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!

@Jarhead44

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.

@TheGoodGodAbove

Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.

You can stop sacrificing goats now.

@ThaJawn

Me: *empties 4’s maracas

4: *shakes maracas* They’re broken

Me: Oh no.. What happend?

@mstluvstrinkets

The look on my husbands face while watching a Victoria’s Secret commercial tells me exactly where all my catalogs went.

@StephenBCramer

The bible says you can’t buy your way into heaven but there isn’t a church in the country that won’t encourage you to try.

@elle91

Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.

Me: Like this?

Friend: No, not like that

Me: How about now?

Friend: Please stop

Me:

@stephenjmolloy

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.