*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
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WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Sea cucumbers are actually animals, so regular cucumbers are either lying or they need to step their game up.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Kids, you’ll never know the pain of digging the innards of a loved cassette out of a cheap stereo and crying as you wind it up with a pencil
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep