when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
You Might Also Like
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Me: *empties 4’s maracas
4: *shakes maracas* They’re broken
Me: Oh no.. What happend?
The look on my husbands face while watching a Victoria’s Secret commercial tells me exactly where all my catalogs went.
The bible says you can’t buy your way into heaven but there isn’t a church in the country that won’t encourage you to try.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.