Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
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*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot