Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
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I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
no regrets
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….