Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
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Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.