Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
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It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy