Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*

Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti

How dude HOW?!

I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.

My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.

CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.

Where’s a careening bus when you need it?

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*

Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.

🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING

If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.

It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.

If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

*launders Kohls cash*

Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.

1. Go to party

2. Eat all cheese at party

3. Leave party

Orange cat behavior 😂

Man goes to a Doctor.

“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”

“Does it burn?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”

Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too