Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
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nothing saves money like being antisocial
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
🤯🤯🤯
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
me when i see my girls butt
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.