Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
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Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Arrest that man!
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
sry
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on