Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
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Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.