“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
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[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Good advice.
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Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
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My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office