Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
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MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
emergency phone
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s