Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
I’ve been saving these cleavage crumbs just for you babe.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
🥲
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
