Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
LOL
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
