Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.
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Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
my name if I was in the mob
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.