Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.
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The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.