Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
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ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.