Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?

Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?

It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.

All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.

My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom

As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.

Those deemed suspicious, are mine.

Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store

I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”

If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk

I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.

Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

[Home Depot staff meeting]

BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?

ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.

[first day as a 911 operator]

guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!

me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh

casting director: can you play a Canadian?

me: eh?

casting director: [under breath] holy shit

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.

whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*

Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy

oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight