Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
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Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
In space, no one can hear…
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
I hope this email finds you in a well
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.