Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
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When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
drew a comic about my origin story
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can