Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
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Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
this was very charming
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
The cashier just checked me out.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.