Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
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“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
What’s the point buying it then?
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
#gardening
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
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I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*