Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
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These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
As the Lord intended
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.