Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
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She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Oh, I bet you would be
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.