Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
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3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
“A little help here, Danny?”
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?