Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
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Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
