Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
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[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
When ur friends with white people
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.