Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
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[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
i baked you a cake
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.