Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
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Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
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I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever