Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
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God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle