Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
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I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
you have three unread messages
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
The Birdles
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.