Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
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2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: I was raised in a working-class family…
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.
I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.