Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
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Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
My bad habits got renewed for another season.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
perfect
Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
[Me watching football on TV]
Oh man this reminds me of high school
Her: you played football in high school?
Me: no, I watched TV
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.