Sometimes I feel like Valentine’s Day was invented by a guy who had way too many chocolate covered strawberries.

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What a light weight. My roomba is completely tanked after 1 margarita


She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?


Her: Don’t make this weird.
Me: I don’t know any other way to do things.


Hey Starbucks. If you gotta name your drinks with stupid language, don’t roll your eyes when I order a gitchy gitchy yaya mocha choca latte.


[in a steel doomsday bunker]

FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.

ME: No!

[something strikes the side of our bunker]


My biggest regret of 2014?

Probably when my husband watched “The Notebook” with me and then I yelled at him for not building me a house


Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.


When someone invites me to their house and I see more than 2 cars parked outside it I keep driving just in case it’s an intervention for me


Whenever my neighbor looks like they want to speak to me. I collapse to the ground motionless as if I were one of Andy’s toys.


I cross-bred an octopus and a panda. Let me know if you’re interested in a pretty amazing hug.