Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
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those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.